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CasketOfRoses
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Name: Kc
Birthday: 12/28/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: I love acting, sketching and painting, writing stories and poetry, reading, dying my hair :) and being with my friends.
Expertise: Movies, Books, Gummy Bears, and Random, Useless Trivia
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Formosus Chaos
Member Since:
2/19/2004
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| You're the words that come out easy,
And I am speechless at best.
Your star it seems to shine above the rest.
You're the face before the cameras,
The smile i'd like to earn.
The closest thing to perfect,
In a hollywood to burn.
You're the beauty that is deeper,
Than eyes can merely see.
The closest thing to perfect.
But the farthest thing from me.
So,
yeah, I'm never on here anymore... sorry about that. I haven't had a
chance to put up a lot of the work I'm doing at school... but someday
I'll find the time and actually do it, I promise.
As for
updating my journal... it just doesn't ever seem worthwhile to me
anymore, since everytime I try to write about what's going on, I keep
coming back to how I feel... which is terrible. I keep thinking I'm
getting better, but it all seems like a lie, only on the surface...
because its still there, in the back of my head, telling me everyday
how absolutely worthless I am, that I really should just give it all up
now, and stop convincing myself that I'm ever going to be happy or that
I even deserve to be happy.
I also feel like a terrible
friend... the person who cares about me the most in the world, and I
can't help them... in fact, I swear that most days I make things worse
for them. And when I try to do something right, it seems like I just
hurt them more... and myself in the process.
I hate feeling
things that I know I shouldn't. I hate falling in love with someone who
will never ever love me back... it kills me a little more everyday to
love someone so much... and to hear them say how all they want is
someone to love them and make them feel like they matter... and I'm
standing right there... ready to live and die a thousand times for
them... and realizing over and over again that my love for them doesn't
matter, and never will matter to them.
And when they tell me,
"if only things were different, you and i could've been together"... I
know they're lying and only saying it to make me feel less awful... but
it hurts more because I know theyre lying to me, and it hurts to know
who it is they would be with if things were different.
I hate
feeling jealous of that girl they would be with if things were
different, because I like her very much as a friend... but everytime I
see the two of them together... it hurts, because I know she is
everything I wish I were but will never be. And I feel like, even now,
they are choosing her over me, even if they don't mean to. And I hate
the fact that I don't blame them.
The last thing I hate is when
everyone lies to me and tells me that "there's someone out there" for
me. I know it's not true... I know very well who I am and what I am and
I know that no one will ever be able to love me and that all my life I
will continue to fall in love with people who will never love me back.
I'm not looking forward to this.
I really just want to go to bed and wake up somewhere else, as someone else.
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| Wow. It's been a long time.
Tonight I feel like sharing something. I cut a chunk off of my finger yesterday while trimming my paper with my x-acto knife for my graphic design class.
Lots of blood lost, lots of pain, lots of bandages and bactine and peroxide and neosporin and friends around to help me make it better. That's what my night involved.
So, today, I felt like I was half dead. And my arms hurt alot, since most of the night I had to hold my fingers over my head to slow the bleeding.
So now, I'm forbidden from being near sharp things unsupervised. (I was left alone for 10 minutes when this happened)
In other news... I'm getting more and more steps closer to seeing myself as a good and worthwhile person that someday maybe, someone could actually like and want to be around.
This is a huge step from where I started at last year, when I believed that I was a terrible person and worthless as a human being.
It's been very hard to get away from that feeling. It's hard to believe and find anything good inside myself.
But it's become easier because someone else sees it in me, and reminds me of it everyday, until I begin to believe it too.
I like feeling this way much more.
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| So, greetings to you all from Cincinnati! ^_^
I've been at Mike's house for a week now... and things are going very well.
Yeah, I'm still rather shy and nervous about things, but he and his parents are making my stay here very enjoyable, they really are wonderful people. And his 3 dogs are absolutely adorable!
They have given me an absolutely beautiful bedroom and Mike and I have the entire upstairs to ourselves, which is fun, cos we can play loud music and be crazy all the time.
It's really cool to be here, just because things are so calm and relaxed and I'm feeling really great. It's also a lot of fun that Mike and I get to hang out and not have a damn thing to do, no classes, no school work, no projects. It's nice.
And we've been doing a lot of fun things, going to get the most amazing ice cream I've ever had, going to the mall, which is a kick ass mall, just driving around, looking at all of the beautiful houses here, watching tennis and Scrubs and our new favorite show, and all kinds of random fun things. ^_^
So, yeah, not gonna lie, I'm having a wonderful time here. I'm so very happy I came here. Yeah, I am sad that I won't get to see my mom or sister that much this summer, or my friends from home, but this really was a great choice for me, it needed to be done.
Well, that's about all I have to report right now... but I shall get back to you all soon!
Ciao!
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| So, I'm now in my second week of summer vacation.
I'm getting nervous. Saturday, my mother and I drive down to meet Mike and his family... and then I begin my summer at the Nichols house.
Okay, I'm not gonna lie, I'm petrified. I'm scared to death that his mother and father aren't going to like me, that I'm going to be a bother, or I'm going to screw something up or god knows what else could go wrong.
I mostly am just afraid that I'm not good enough to stay there, that I'm not going to belong in that world, that I'll embarass his family.
I know, I know... but I can't help it... I'm paranoid and ridiculous. Mike has become one of my best friends in the world... I just want to make a good impression on the most important people in his life because he's important to me.
And, I am excited, cos I miss him a lot. But, you know... every night when we talk, and he tells me he can't wait until I get there... I feel the same way, just coupled with this terrible fear... hopefully that'll go away.
Anyhow... basically, I'm crazy. But I think you already knew that.
But for now... I'm gonna continue freaking out and figure out what I'm packing and exactly how much I should take.
I mean... how much is it appropriate to bring to another's house for 3 months?
PS... I'm neurotic and packing makes me insane.
I'll talk to you all again when I get settled in... hopefully I don't have a nervous breakdown before then! | | |
| Mike told me today that his mother has already finished setting up a room in his house for me for the summer...
this included re-painting, carpeting, plus getting furniture and other ridiculous things.
I feel honored, embarrassed and slightly confused at her going to so much trouble just for me.
I'm very excited to come and spend the summer with them. ^_^
PS.... only 3 weeks of school left... and I have no exams... at all. It rocks.
How am I almost a junior? How is this halfway over already?
And I'm loving life right now. I'm exhausted tonight... but I feel so content. I love my friends.
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